#14: Man, I Feel Like A Woman

Systemic Oppression and Cancer Season

It was a late summer day in 2020, and I was sitting in a room surrounded by dudes.

We were smoking weed (as I was daily back then) and one of said dudes called one of the other said dudes a pussy.

Perhaps it was the sheer amount of cannabis coursing through my system at the time, but whatever it was…I felt especially unencumbered and blurted out exactly what I was thinking.

“Why would you call him that? Don’t you LIKE pussy? Isn’t pussy a good thing?”

At that moment, they all froze. I instantaneously went from being a “cool girl” and “one of the guys” to…the enemy? A breaker of the unspoken locker room talk/boy code?

I swear we all sat there like that, hanging in the stillness, for a long time…or perhaps, again, it was just all of our sloooowedddd downnnnn energies…but then the silence broke.

The offender looked at me, laughed uncomfortably, seemingly embarrassed, and said “yeah, I guess you’re right. Sorry.”

I gave him a chipper “thank you!” to diffuse the tension and the conversation faded back to whatever it had been.

I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot lately, because it’s a visceral example of when I decidedly stood up for myself as a woman, because it was abundantly clear that no one else was going to.

Of course it would’ve been easier to not speak up, to laugh like the other guys had and not “make it weird” but I’m so thankful I did. 

While it might seem like a small thing, I know in the core of my soul that it mattered. Because at that moment, they saw me. I mean, really saw me.

I had gotten their attention- and anything that can do that these days is precious and important.

If you live in the United States as I do, and especially so if you’re a woman, your attention has likely been on the news lately. Our homeland, our Motherland, a country deep in the bowels of its first Pluto Return…decided to overturn Roe v. Wade on Friday.

The timing couldn’t be more heartbreaking. It’s Cancer season, and Cancer is ruled by the Moon. The Divine Feminine. The subconscious realm. Our greatest Mother. And yet. Rather than celebrating and honoring her for being the literal REASON WE ARE ALL HERE, she is locked up. She is controlled. She is feared (because she is powerful), and she is punished.

THE!!!! FURY!!! EMANATING!!! FROM!!!! MY!!!! WOMB!!!!

I’m so disappointed in this country. I can’t stop screaming. And crying. In a very Cancerian way, I’m literally “sick to my stomach.” To be a woman here is to be a second-class citizen. So…what do we DO?

I spent Friday in bed watching YouTube videos of Emma Chamberlain (a beloved safe space) and bought the Frida Kahlo coffee table book of my DREAMS. Rather than finding the energy to talk…I decided to support women’s art from the comfort of my bedroom, far away from the loud noise of a country in deep despair.

And yesterday, I made vegan chocolate chip cookies- as you do in “times like these.”

If you, too, are looking to self-soothe with some cruelty-free baking, I highly recommend “Vegan for Everybody.” I’ve both cooked and baked many of the book’s recipes over the years…and they’ve all been delicious.

Of course I’ve emailed the senators. I’ve been to the marches. I’ve sent the donations to Planned Parenthood (and you should, too). And I’m counting down to the midterm elections, which astrologically…put very kindly, are set to be an absolute shit show.

It seems to me that to be a Mother, to relate to that deep sense of creating something and giving birth to it out of nothing, is to also be able to recognize that what you create is not you.

It might be part of you, but as soon as it leaves the womb…it becomes its own entity with its own wants, needs, and clearly, allegiances. Like our Earth Mother, biological Mothers are repeatedly taken advantage of and exploited until they have nothing left to give. What a tragic, backwards, waste.

“Digesting” sentiments like this is a big part of Cancer energy. It rules the stomach, and quite literally shapes how we process the many, varied experiences of our lives. At its best, this season arrives as true nourishment. At its worst, insidious, systemic poison is illuminated.

So I’m digesting. And while the words are coming slower to me than they sometimes do, I decided that what I know this country needs more of, and something that I actually can control, is PROUDLY DISPLAYING MY THOUGHTS/FEELINGS/LIFE EXPERIENCE AS A WOMAN.

Ladies, I BEG OF YOU, if you have men in your life that you love…partners, fathers, brothers, friends…make sure they’re listening to you. And I mean REALLY listening to you.

You might not have a seat at the Supreme Court table, but chances are high that you have men surrounding you that desperately need to hear your opinion and witness how you move through the world- because it’s immensely different from the way that they do.

If they love you, they will pay attention. And if they really love you, they will do the work alongside you.

(Protecting the pussy) through time and space,

Erin River Sunday