#23: On Trusting Yourself

Neon signs from the Universe

I was 100% sober for one year, one month, and 13 days. And then last week, on Valentine’s Day, I got high.

I was preparing for a trip to DC with my sister to see Maggie Rogers in concert (be still, my heart) and the idea had already come into my mind. While I knew weed wasn’t exactly legal there the way it is in Arizona or California, I also knew there were roundabout ways to procure it.

I didn’t fixate on the idea though. I let it sit there, patiently in the back of my mind, and decided I would retrieve it should the desire persist. 

On the drive up, something particularly shocking happened in my personal life. My heart was racing and I felt suddenly untethered. You might imagine this as the detonator moment, the part of the story where I frantically Googled where to find weed immediately upon our arrival. But it wasn’t. 

I talked through it with my sister, took a lot of deep breaths, and decidedly realized I would be captive to the big feelings coursing through me for as long as was necessary. In hindsight, this is a radically improved response from what would’ve happened a couple years ago. At the moment, though, I wasn’t high-fiving myself. I was just navigating it the best way I knew how (which still sucked).

Sometimes trusting yourself goes unnoticed because it arrives disguised as growth.

I kept feeling my feelings while also trying to stay present with my sister around the city. We went out for yummy meals and visited a couple museums in the 48ish hours we had leading up to the concert.

Spent a loooooong time ogling the gems in the Museum of Natural History

When it was finally time for the show, my sister wanted to grab a drink at a spot beside the venue. Surprisingly still, this didn’t phase me. While I was sober all of 2022, I didn’t even want to be across from someone at dinner who was drinking and I avoided bars like the plague. It all felt dangerous to me…like I would fall down the rabbit hole if I got too close.

This time, unlike my reaction on the drive up, I consciously noticed that I had changed.

I saddled up to the bar with her and was unfazed by the dozens of drinking people and copious, glistening bottles. I ordered a ginger ale and we guessed how many of the guests were fellow concert goers. 

A blurry little 5’2’’ ball of unknowing trust and sober excitement

At some point during Maggie’s set, a girl in front of us fainted. We had situated ourselves behind her and her girlfriend the whole night, as they were about our same height- a treat to find on the floor of a sold-out show when you’re on the shorter end of the spectrum.

They had been swaying close together and then she just collapsed. Her girlfriend was suddenly down on the ground too and had her cradled in her arms. What happened next was a blur, but I bent down to them and yelled to ask what she needed. She said “water” and I shouted at people nearby to bring some. They handed it to me and I handed it to her. She thanked me over and over. Not long after, the girl popped back up and people who worked at the venue escorted them off the floor.

I used to villainize myself for reacting instinctively. My Mother frequently comments on my “shiny ball syndrome” and I used to internalize the idea that I repetitively misfired. I didn’t trust my behavior to respond in the right way, so I insulated myself from certain situations.

But sometimes life puts situations, literally, right in front of you, to see how you’ll react. And it turns out that some instincts can be trusted.

The show was phenomenal (besides that scary blip) and doing drugs remained out of my mind until the last few hours of our trip. I romanticized the idea of being high in my apartment, blissfully riding out the last night of vacation.

My sister indulged me in a round-about journey to buy the weed, and I watched myself become someone I didn’t like. I spent too much money and too much time dedicated to the pursuit, but I still knew I was going to smoke that night and see how it went.

It went fine.

I didn’t smoke too much, which was a slight fear since I hadn’t in so long. But I went into it very intentionally, almost knowing it was something I had to do, not even something I really wanted to do. I ate. I listened to music. I watched porn.

Overall, it felt like a ride I had been on one too many times. I felt stale and pedestrian.

I texted a friend the next day and told her about my little journey. The first time we ever met, we got high, but now she’s also experimenting with sobriety. I almost didn’t want to tell her, because I had felt like an example the past year. I had a “perfect record” since deciding to stop drinking and doing drugs, and I saw this moment as a half-assed fall from grace.

I always thought if I broke my sobriety, I would end up black out wasted somewhere with a needle in my arm (far from a coincidence, addicts mentality is often all or nothing).

I sent her a photo of the prized Maggie Rogers hat I had purchased, and laughed about it being my new motto. Sober life was apparently, indefinitely, sticking around...and I was giving into it, again, fully. The album name is emblazoned across the front: SURRENDER.

Saturn lessons always seem to be right around the corner

Her response, after the iconic photo, gave me perspective I didn’t know I needed. She said: “Honestly such a huge thing to test so that you really know and to even be at the place where you know you trust yourself fully!!”

Until that moment, trust had not been on my radar. Shame and regret, maybe, but trust? It was truly a lightbulb moment for me (or a neon Saturn moment, perhaps). The events of the past several days came tumbling into my mind. Knowingly and otherwise, repeatedly, I had trusted myself fully.

Trusting yourself doesn’t mean being perfect. Trusting yourself means knowing that growth has never been linear. It means you’re allowed to veer off course, willingly even, because you Know (with a capital K) that you’re strong enough to bring yourself back.

Trust is also about knowing these moments often happen without your awareness (or applause). You react differently than you used to because you trust yourself more than you used to. You’ve grown, even if it isn’t obvious.

Trusting yourself isn’t: Putting yourself in situations you aren’t ready for to try and prove something to others.

Trusting yourself is: Arriving in situations you were eventually ready for and later realizing you proved something to yourself.

If you have Saturn in Aquarius you’re TWO WEEKS SHY FROM COMPLETING YOUR SATURN RETURN.

This is a monumental feat. And, even if you don’t have Saturn in Aquarius, all of us are approaching Saturn entering Pisces. The area of your chart that Aquarius rules has been in a pressure cooker since 2020. We’ve all learned to trust ourselves in new ways…to painstakingly create a new center of gravity that holds us through challenging times.

We’re building to some big astrology over the coming weeks, and I challenge you to notice your reactions. You might be surprised that you have your own back a bit more than you used to. While no one else might notice…I see you. Keep going.

There’s nothing you need to “do” now (or ever). Just surrender.

Through time and space,

Erin River Sunday

PS: Astrology and Tarot are beautiful tools for learning to trust the Universe (AKA yourself). My rates are going up next month, in addition to a shift in offerings, so grab a reading now if you’re feeling called.